The state of things

My heart sank like a rock in water the last time I caught a glimpse of our bank account balance. Our savings had halved since we moved back to Malaysia. Most of it went towards getting set up I guess – house expenditure, our cars, child birth. Thankfully, I think we’ve moved past the heavy expenditure, but I still think we’ll have to tighten our belts a little, especially now that we’ve become a single income household.

I’ve spent the last couple of months engaged in quite a bit of DIY stuff – building shelves, a wine glass rack, refurbishing a clothes horse, building a small gate and other bits and bobs. Unfortunately, everything looks a bit crooked, so I’ve stashed away any desire to follow Jesus’ footsteps as a carpenter.

Have also spent quite a bit of time getting the garden and our finances in order, and that has been a huge relief. So it’s kinda nice that there has been progress on the home front, that life has not been stagnant.

With all those major annoyances out of the way, I think I’ll be able to work more routine into my day. The first half would be for domestic affairs – laundry, house cleaning, gardening. And the second half, my writing. In the last couple months, I’ve discovered that the unkempt state of our home hangs over my head throughout the day, and that it’s a bit hard for me to get into a Zen-like state till that stuff gets straigthened.

Every day since I quit my day job, I’ve wondered if I was doing the right thing. It still weighs heavily on me that I may not achieve what I’m setting out to accomplish. That I’m putting all my hopes and dreams into this one basket. And that it may get lost in a boundless ocean, amongst the million other baskets. Baskets that others have set afloat with their hopes and dreams inside.

I’ve also come to realise that the path I’m on is a lonely one. There is the physical loneliness of being indoors mostly these days, as well as the emotional loneliness of not running into many who can relate to what I’m currently going through. It really feels like a steep climb at the moment, but I’m quite certain this is a journey I have to take, so that I don’t look back and wonder… what if.

Believe in yourself

Because if you don’t, no one will.

But just because you think you are capable of achieving greatness, doesn’t mean people believe you can. More often than not you will be written off as someone with over inflated dreams.

I’ve told a few people that I hope to one day be an International Best Selling author. They’ve each told me they believed I can pull it off. A handful were lying. Some believed miracles actually do happen. Some only said what they said just in case I really succeeded, then they could say, I always believed he could do it.

I’ve picked out the genuine few who truly believe in me though. And I hold them close to me, as my fuel, as my pillar, as my reason.

But merely having faith in yourself takes you nowhere if it is not backed by action. All the years of education, of reading, of travelling to foreign lands, of eating strange food, enduring heartbreak, of talking to strangers. I will have to harness it all into this effort. The pieces are all there. It’s a matter of connecting the dots.

“There is no dream too big, and no dreamer too small.” That has been my life’s mantra. And I’m currently living it.