Tag Archives: jeremy

Out of my hands

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I took one last lingering glance, and had to let her go. My baby’s on its way, in bits and bytes to the printer.

Three days ago, as I was going through the book one last time, I made a rather drastic change—I turned three chapters in the middle to first person. I think it helps the story move a little better. God, I hope I’m right. Personally, I feel it could have been the worst or best writing decision I’ve made on the book. Those of you who know me know I’ve given up walking the middle line a long time ago.

Am not sure what I’m feeling right now. It’s a mixture of relief and nervousness I think. A bit of an odd blend don’t you think?

So how long before the book is available? The printer says it will take 2 weeks. When they’ve completed their job, I’d no longer just be a writer, but an author.

“How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so
much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

- Trina Paulus

Guardian Angels

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Each week, an Indian kid tells me how he looks forward to my smile each time we meet. Invisible to him is the brokenness coursing through my veins almost each minute of the day, that my smile, more often than not, was dispatched to meet his own.

Some things don’t dissipate on their own, and need to be wicked away. Every day, I have friends who house my problems as if it were their own. Everywhere I turn, I have a place to rest my woes, have ears willing to draw in my troubles. What I find truly mind blowing, odd at times, is that no one seems to weigh my burdens before deciding to help me bear the load. I am thankful for this bed of feathers I’ve fallen on, for the guardian angels watching over me.

I have about three angels who always check to make sure I’m eating, and a couple more who make sure I’m eating right. I have a son who gives me something to live for, to remind me each day of why I’m fighting the fight, and I have a wife who hasn’t  given up on me even though I’ve given her every reason for her to do so. Wednesday each week, I have a young girl who gives me the most heartfelt hug to thank me for all I’ve done for her, and I always feel like a million bucks. And almost every day, there are children who place their hands on me, for no reason at all, almost as if I were a Saint with healing powers. It is I who gets healed with each touch. Every minute of the day, there are hands stubbornly refusing to let go of my strings. I still slump, but never for long.

One of my angels has a lot of air. I call him my bubble wrap. Another participates in the Paralympics. I think of him as my Parachute. My closest counsel and guiding light I know as ‘Compass’ (an apt name because he also tends to go around in circles). Kevlar, Snoop Doc, Austin’s Power, CPR, Grin Reaper, Chain Male, Spare Liver, Bald Guard, Call Girl… I’ve got a league of extraordinary nicknames for these extraordinary people in my life.

Still, I can’t help but sometimes feel insecure amidst all the security. The sudden emergence of this web of support has led me to question if bad things are coming my way. If I am being vaccinated for what is around the corner. Why else would God have me so highly guarded by his best Secret Service agents, by all these guardian angels? I have no doubt I am a target, but they’ll have a hell of a time getting to me.

Passion

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Passion is both a blaring voice, and a silent knowing. It can sometimes be silenced by the noise around you, but will flare up again once silence is restored.

Passion gives you purpose, furnishes your life with new meaning. Passion keeps you keeping on. Makes effort effortless. Makes you scarily brave. Passion wakes you up in the morning, and keeps you up at night.

Passion will blind you if you let it. And you will let it. Passion blinds you with new awareness.  It brings a slice of your world in, and pushes everything else out. Passion connects you with your center. More often than not, your center, in the grand scheme of things, is off-centered.

Passion cannot be purchased, but comes at a high price. Passion excludes, and secludes. Passion uproots. Passion isolates. Passion can leave you with nothing. Passion takes you on the path less travelled. Draws passerbys to you, and pushes away those closest. Passion is your friend, very often your only friend. Passion offers escape, but can also trap you. Passion pays. But you pay the price.

Passion does not come with a manual. Passion cannot be taught. But it can be passed on. Can spread like a wildfire. Passion feeds on the heart’s will, and the mind’s wit. The mind is passion’s asset, but also its greatest liability. Passion drives, but is difficult to be steered. It gives you the necessary push, but will pull you in every which way it pleases. You don’t mind where passion leads you. The journey feels like the destination.

Passion does not come with a parachute. Passion takes you uphill and downhill and sometimes over the edge, but doesn’t prepare you for the fall. Passion is uncertain. Passion is hopeful. Passion feels wrong even though it feels right. Passion assures, but does not insure.

Passion can betray. Passion can stray. Passion can renew itself, but does not always prevail. Passion can recede. It can be replaced, can be displaced. Passion reveals the person you really are. Strips away the layers. Passion draws the best and worst out of you. Takes you down corridors you never knew existed. Lets you know what you are really made of.

Passion makes no concessions. Needs no excuse. Passion does not lead you to temptation. Passion is itself the temptation. Passion begs you to follow it. Dares you to follow it. Passion can fade, but never be doused.